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I Wanna Scream Out Loud

March 15, 2012

I never thought I really had much to say. Things change.

Growing up, singing in a children's choir and doing theatre, I have always been told to sing something a certain way: more vibrato on this note, more of a mix here, more diction on this phrase. Being the polite and well behaved girl that I was, I would do as I was told. I would try and sing like everyone else who had done it before me.

I didn't realize how much I associated myself with being a singer, until I went on the road with a show and only performed a few times a month. Having a voice was what I leaned on, counted on, worked on and experimented with. I loved how it made me feel, I loved the public affirmations, I loved that my instrument was connected to my body and I could always carry it with me. But for the first time in my life- I couldn't speak.

I was faced with the reality of dealing with myself without that, without being Carrie who sings. I was...just Carrie. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I gained weight, I laughed less, smiled less. I didn't recognize myself. I remember crying hysterically on the phone to my sister, which I rarely did to begin with. She said "Who is this person? You're stronger than this. You're my sister. You can do anything."

I told myself, if I don't use this time, to find something greater than what I came in with, I will have failed. To me, I will have failed. I picked up a guitar, taught myself how to play it, and I wrote a song. In cities where there was a piano, I practiced, remembering the little I learned from early childhood, and wrote another song. No rules, no right or wrong way to do it, and no one to please...except myself. I only had one person to make happy, sitting alone in a room, with no one listening.

Backstage, away from home, trapped in a dark theatre, I saw my first glimpse of freedom. This time I will sing my way and say what I want to say. There are no rules. My big old heart was waiting for life to feel so uncomfortable, so off-kilter, so out of place and out of control that something had to come out. I am grateful for the hard. And when it's still hard, I remind myself everyday what that felt like, and what it made me do.

In a couple of weeks, I will release my first album. It's called Echo. The Chorus of the song is

I wanna scream out loud
Open my mouth and just yell at the top of my lungs
Go to a place where the echo can ring out and loose ends lay undone
And I don't need anyone

When I sing something I love, whether it's someone else's song, or my own, I am finally being heard, whether anyone is there or not.

The hard is what makes it good. The hard is what makes it worth it. I found the best stuff in the hard. I'm glad it wasn't easy.

Comments

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  • 4/6/2013 - 9:18pm

    Helen says

    The best performers show their passion, their souls on the stage just like you, a brave talented woman.
  • 2/16/2013 - 9:56am

    Carson says

    Yes I love how you express yourself.
  • 10/18/2012 - 8:27pm

    Ingrid aka - Aya says

    Carrie - I remember you as Mary in the Secret Garden many years ago. Enjoying your incredible voice, the rich pure sounds and heartfelt passion you project. Much joy to you... and kudos for "Holding On." Hugs from AYA!
  • 8/3/2012 - 6:33pm

    Caroline Kyriakou says

    There is nothing more exciting than finding your own voice! And being able to express yourself the way you choose to! You have a beautiful voice! Thank you for sharing it with us! :)
  • 6/4/2012 - 7:32am

    Sam Selden says

    Carrie, I love the heart you put into what you do, awe-inspiring performances on stage or opening your soul to others on a "blog". You lack any stage fright on either media, first saw you in Dayton, OH as Elphaba, Carrie you are amazing with that symphony you have of a singing voice of yours. We'll be in NY sometime during early August, searching for your schedule, so we can come see you perform in a less formal venue. Thanks for being you...
  • 5/16/2012 - 12:48pm

    Paul C. says

    wow, im reading this and i keep thinking to myself, "is this exactly what im going through or not?" haha im a singer as well (or at least i try) and into musical theater and recently ive been having the problem of singing for MYSELF rather than to please someone or sing a certain way. i was also in high school choir and felt the same way and eventually grew to resent it and ive been trying hard recently to just forget about what everyone else might think, im just gonna scream out loud and boy does it feel good! im right there with ya girlie. keep doin what ur doin cuz i love ur voice and the way u perform. what you do is a very brave and honest thing and im shootin for the same thing.
  • 5/14/2012 - 4:23pm

    Adria (Riddel) Thomas says

    I don't know if you remember me from SCC. I remember the little girl you described yourself as. I remember how powerful your voice was, even so young and so small. I laughed a little on the part about "diction" and was wondering if that was in reference to one of Mrs. Tagg's phrases. ;) I'm glad that you wrote this. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you could go to your sister. I'm glad that you found the courage to learn, to write and create, and to share your talents with others. Love yah Carrie! Adria (AJ)
  • 5/3/2012 - 9:18pm

    Terry Myers says

    Will be in search of more of your music, but I have two words. Houston, Texas. People will LOVE you here! You're going far.....what a voice, but beyond that, what amazing interpretation of the words and music. Wow.
  • 4/27/2012 - 7:37pm

    Just_Jenn says

    Carrie, like everyone else above, I discovered your site and blog by listening to your Creep cover (many, many times!!). I absolutely loved it, but was even more excited to read your story and learn more about the journey of self-discovery you're on. I'm on a similar type of journey as a singer as well, and I agree 100% - the "hard" makes it worth it! Not only that, though - I just read the book "The Art of Non-Conformity" and love this quote from its author, Chris Gillebeau: "Instead of being easy, the most memorable times in our lives are often the most challenging. Overcoming the challenge is worth it in the end, but the challenge itself is also worth pursuing." So good for you and best of luck as you pursue your challenge! I'm looking forward to hearing your album!
  • 4/25/2012 - 10:05pm

    Rebecca Lichti says

    Music has been a huge part of my life as well, as a young girl and still is today. I've seen many people perform music.. but you live it, through your mind, your heart and your soul. Your cover of 'Creep' gave me goosebumps.. made my heart ache. Don't ever question yourself, because there is a voice in you that is big and strong and has a way of expressing itself that many people can only dream of. I fully intend on seeking out a copy of your album, and wish you all the best. <3
  • 4/25/2012 - 8:08pm

    Wendy Devore says

    carrie, your blog resonates with me...'what is hard...what is worth it'...i am a yoga teacher, a drummer. it's a hard road, being ME, on my terms, inspiring others on their path, etc. funny, as a child i wanted to BE a broadway star or a rockstar front woman. in my own pocket of the universe, i am some of those things. you have an amazing gift, i could feel it thru the screen. best of luck to you.
  • 4/24/2012 - 5:40pm

    Rebecca Smith says

    After a dozen or so plays, I still can't get through Creep without sobbing. I love you, sister.
  • 4/23/2012 - 9:22pm

    chris says

    you are fucking special
  • 4/23/2012 - 10:44am

    Niki says

    This description of associating yourself with being a singer - the carrying around of your instrument - all of it ... Perfect. Simply perfect.
  • 4/23/2012 - 7:02am

    Kimberly says

    I loved your blog. I loved your voice. I cannot express how much I needed it when it came to me. Divine intervention at its best. Thank you for you bravery. Kimberly
  • 4/22/2012 - 3:11pm

    Cuciti says

    Your cover of Creep brought tears to my eyes. That hasn't happened in a very long time. So thank you for that.
  • 4/22/2012 - 3:09am

    Neal Smith says

    OMG you can really really sing! I wish you released "creep" as a single even though I'm buying your album echo. You expressed your heart and soul in during "Creep" and I actually felt it! I never heard it before this but looked up Radiohead and, well, I love your rendition way better! Like the article said, I think I had an eargasm!! I had shivers at the crescendo and your back-up perfectly harmonized with you, I can't even describe what I am feeling, and I don't even like the "F-bomb" but it so fit the story of the song. Carrie, you are wonderful and doubly blessed and I pray God blesses your career for evermore. Love it, love you!
  • 4/22/2012 - 2:48am

    Natalie says

    You're wonderful. A beautiful writer with lots to say. Although I've only heard your cover of creep, I'll be sure to check out the rest. Please do scream, and scream loud. Let your voice be heard!
  • 4/21/2012 - 9:09pm

    Patrick Knight says

    I am rarely speechless... I take a lot of pride in being able to express myself clearly and creatively with conviction... I simply cannot find the words to describe what you do... and what it feels like to be on the receiving end of it. Every time I try to carry the thought further than that... I can't do you justice! Thank you and PLEASE come to the Bay Area SOON!!!
  • 4/21/2012 - 3:27pm

    Parm Soor says

    Loved! your version of "Creep" :-)
  • 4/20/2012 - 11:19pm

    Brian says

    Hi, Carrie...I just listened to you singing, "Creep" and I was overwhelmed by the power of your voice. I hope I can be as brave as you in my filmmaking by sharing what I love, too.
  • 4/20/2012 - 3:57pm

    Mary says

    Wow, just heard you sing The Wizard and I at some mall in Sun Valley or something like that. What a voice! And you're not just a singer. You interpret the lyrics at the same time you play your instrument. A powerhouse!
  • 3/30/2012 - 1:12pm

    Andrea Glassberg says

    You express yourself so beautifully. I can't wait for the album release on April 2nd! I'm sending you some Central New York love!

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